


They Know What I Have Commited

by AbbeyTheWeeb



Series: Discover our Secrets [2]
Category: 18th Century CE RPF, American Revolution RPF, Historical RPF
Genre: Accidental Coming Out, Alcohol, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Family Bonding, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Toxic Masculinity, i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:07:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29506671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbbeyTheWeeb/pseuds/AbbeyTheWeeb
Summary: John Laurens wakes up from having a blackout and when he wakes up, there's a strange aura with his fellow aides.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Series: Discover our Secrets [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2167440
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	They Know What I Have Commited

My eyes start to flutter when I wake up to the sound of a groan. I can feel someone’s body and I turn to see my dear boy. His head is near my chest, resting ever so peacefully. I can spot a little smile on his face. I barely remember anything last night, all I can remember is getting drunk and then getting the warmest embraces from Alexander. I can still remember his lips on mine, how happy they felt to be on my skin. I drag my fingers in his hair and he mumbles, “Jack?”

“Good morning,” I hum in his ear, the sun starts to shine from the windows and the room brightens up. He groans again and he rises from the bed and stretches, his red hair tumbles down from his shoulders. I rest my head on my pillow and I smile. But that smile stops when I see tear stains. 

My heart starts to drop, why was he crying? Who hurt him? I grab his arm and then he looks at me, his cheeks are red and there's a light tint of redness near his eyes. He has been crying, my heart drips even more. 

“John?” 

“Were you crying?” I say. 

He touches his cheek and then his little smile becomes a stern frown as if something happened. Something happened that was very important to him and I immediately think he was crying because of me. I reach out to touch his face, to see if his tear stains are still wet. But then he lightly grabs my hand and stares at me. “John, I merely had a bad dream and I woke up and cried a little.” 

“You should of-”

“Shh, dear, you needed sleep, so I didn’t wish to wake you,” he shushes me and he leans in to kiss my temple. His lips are on there for a long time, an oddly long amount of time. “Just having your body close to mine is enough.”

And for some reason, I know he is lying. Not about the part where he tells me that it is enough for him to lie next to me, but for the reason why he was crying. But I do not want to tread on it, I don’t want him to get annoyed by my silly worrying. 

“John?” 

“Yes, dear?” 

“Can I kiss you?” he smiles and for a moment I can see in his eyes, his soul… he looks like he is about to cry once more. My heart stings, at the feeling. I will do anything to make him feel better so I nod. I wish to embrace him and tell him everything will be okay, we are together, but I remain silent. He is merely asking for a kiss. 

His lips are soft like always, but he’s wanting more time for kissing, I can feel it, the feeling shackles my brain. The kissing is nothing sexual. Our lips are locked together for a long time, until he breaks it, gasping for air. Then he embraces me, his arms around me tight. Something is off. Did something happen when I was drunk? “Alexander, something… something is off. Did I do anything and I did, please tell me, did I hurt you?”

He smiles and laughs a little. “Oh, Jack, you didn’t hurt me, you only love me, your love is internal and my love for you is internal as well. We should get to work, my dear.” 

His poetic nature is so like him, but for now, it is unlike him. I gaze up at him, viewing how handsome he is, but the tears, stain my heart. I swallow. I squeeze his hand and he squeezes back. “How drunk was I?”

“Pretty drunk,” he laughs, but there’s a little crackle of something in there, it’s not regret nor fear, I cannot think what it is. I’m surprised, it is as if I am still a bit drunk from last night, only having the small effects of alcohol gripping on to me. As I stay in bed, I wish to sink my head into the pillow and sleep again, but then again, the war is on my back. 

We get up from the bed and I start to change to my soldier uniform, but then I stop when Alexander begs to kiss me again.

“Please, I just love the feeling of your lips on mine,” Alexander tells me, that look is on his face again, the look that makes me go mad with confusion. I kiss him and he melts in it. Then he stops, takes a deep breath, and says, “let’s get back to work.” 

When we exit our chamber and I look at Alexander and then turn my eyes on my fellow aides. All eyes are on me. Tilghman, Harrison, Fitzgerald, and Meade. His Excellency and Gilbert are there also, but they are only chatting, not giving a damn that I have woken from my slumber. My fellow aides all remain silent, but I can sense a strange aura that is coming from everyone, except the constant chatting of the two generals. 

Then all the aides stare at Alexander, who awkwardly smiles. “Good morning.” 

As I sit down and grab my quill. I realize that Alexander does not sit right next to me, rather he sits in the chair next to Meade. I have to say, I am a bit jealous at first, but then I remind myself that it is just Meade, not a foe, but a good friend to all in the office. I have no conflict with such a good man. 

“Ah, Laurens!” Washington’s quiet voice that seems loud to the silence of the room makes me jolt. I glance at him and I dip my head down in respect, with a weak smile on my face. He asks, “good sleep?”

“Of course,” I say. I have to wonder, is it a lie? Perhaps, I do not remember almost anything last night except those loving lips on mine. I turn my gaze onto Gilbert, who has a smile on his face. It looks genuine, without the hint of awkwardness that I can sense from all the aides. I know he does not know what happened last night.

Surely, the thing I have done that affects all my friends were not that much? Alexander still loves me, I can tell, but have I made a fool of myself? I know how people act when they are drunk, when my dear boy is drunk he is more silly and gets into fights. I bite my lip and I fiddle with the quill in my hand, I do not know what to write or if I should even write. There are stacks of letters for congress but the eyes that are staring at me make me unmotivated. 

“Alright, men, I need to attend some duties,” Washington says with a grin and everyone dips their head. When he leaves, the door slams shut and the silence is back on again. However, Gilbert still stands in the room, not following Washington like a puppy dog as usual. Perhaps he too can also sense the strange feeling of the office.

“John!” he exclaims. “You are out of bed late today. How are you? I heard you and Alexander went to the pub!”

For a second, I swear I can hear someone breathing harshly, although I do not know who it is. “Well… it was good, I was madly drunk, though.”

Gilbert’s smile widens, his cheeks are pink contrasting to everyone’s dull faces. “Well, it is good to let loose sometimes! I really should do that, being general is so draining sometimes! I like being one, though! Perhaps when you are older, you will get to be a general. Anyway, I need to see Old Man Arnold, wish me luck!”

I nod at Gilbert and we kiss cheeks to bid goodbye. He bounces away to the door and leaves. I wait for the door to close, but to my surprise, Tilghman gets up abruptly and gets and grabs the door right before it closes. He swings it open and rushes outside and everyone stares at him. The door shuts with a loud slam, making me quiver. 

It is unusually quiet and the silence is eating away at my stomach. I wish to make a sound, ask how everyone's day, ask them how their families are doing, but I remain quiet. 

Then, the door opens and it is Tilghman. He sits back at his desk and glances at me and we lock eyes for a second. To my surprise, someone else comes out of the door and it is Gilbert. 

His lucky smile on his face has changed, he now has a weird gaze just like everyone. He knows what has happened and the silence eats away at my thoughts, controlling them like a virus. 

Gilbert sits in the chair right next to me, the chair that Alexander normally sits in and then he clicks his tongue. I bite my lip and say, “I thought you have to see General Arnold.”

The Frenchman scoffs. “That can wait for a little. How are you?”

My stomach rumbles with worry, he already asked me that question. “Doing fine,” I mutter and bite my lip again. The clock chimes in the office, telling me time is important. I need to start focusing on my work and not every little detail about everyone in the office. I grab a letter and start seeing what Congress wants. 

When I am reading, I can barely focus, the silence feels so loud in my ears. I can feel my blood beating through my heart, everyone is breathing and Gilbert starts to tap his foot right next to mine, his beat almost as fast as my heartbeat. 

“Alright,” Fitzgerald says all of a sudden and everyone stares at him, their gaze on him. I stare at Alexander, who looks so odd and out of place, I can smell the fear coming from him. He catches that I have been staring at him and he bites his lip. Fitzgerald continues, “we need to address what happened.” 

Alexander shrinks and he starts to play with his hands. Cocky little Alexander is now nervous and I know it is serious. 

Harrison moves his chair and now he is facing me. I wish to shrink like my dear boy too, I am now fearful. What have I done? I pray to God that I did not hurt anyone, but then again, I love my own sex and God won’t listen to me because of that. I feel like I am in a court, all eyes are on me. I am the one who is on trial. 

Harrison clears his throat and it makes me jump a little. “Laurens, do you remember anything last night?”

I do not wish to tell him how my dearest boy kissed my lips ever so lovingly. They do not need to know my sin that I commit. I will be ruined, and even though it will be deserved, I do not wish Alexander to have that ruin too. I should be the one that goes to the gallows, not him. I start to speak, “No… did I do something wrong?”

The office remains silent to my question and I swallow down the words in my throat. Then all of a sudden, Gilbert grabs for my hand, and my heart races even more. He only does that to calm people down, but it does the opposite for me. Something is so dearly wrong. I stare at Gilbert and he has a weak smile on his face and he squeezes my hand, but he does not loosen his grip. 

I want to run away. 

But a man never runs away from their fears. 

Meade gets up from his chair and he looks like a damned public speaker, ready to address his speech to the crowd of aides and the general. And me. He takes a deep breath and speaks, “John?”

“What is it? I snap, I’m now getting impatient sick of the dreadful tone in the building. I wish His Excellency is here, obviously clueless about what I have done last night. I bite my tongue a bit. “Did I do something wrong-”

“Laurens, Meade cuts me off before I can finish, “you kissed Alexander on the lips in front of us.”

I cannot even process what happens next. All I can realize is that my son has been discovered. Alexander’s sin has been discovered. I start to choke up, wondering how a rope feels around someone’s neck. I’ve never felt it before, sometimes I wished for the feeling, but not anymore. But now, it feels so familiar to me. My brain starts to feel fuzzy. I cannot hear. 

I wish to stop seeing. I wish to stop doing anything, stop existing. I wish to run away, who cares if people say I am a coward, I’ll never be perfect, I love an, I loved countless amounts of men. Nut Alexander also needs to run. He is a faster runner than me. I hope he runs away from this mess, I want to scream out to Alexander, save yourself, save yourself from the feeling of hanging.

The only thing I can truly sense is Gilbert’s hand and I can feel him tighten his grip. He says something softly, but I do not listen to what he says. My eyes start to blur and my body starts to stop working. I cannot contain myself, tears are trying to escape my eyes. 

Soon my father will hear about this. His little golden boy, that did everything that he wanted him to do, is a man of one of the biggest sins of all. The Laurens family will be truly disgraced. I deserve it, truly. I am made out of sin, the devil cursed me when I left the womb. I can feel a hand on my shoulder, it feels like Gilbert’s, but I do not look to see who it is. He says something to me again, but the words are blurry in my head, how will Alexander be safe now? He will never because of me!

I was the one who kissed him! I was the one! He will suffer from my actions!

“Laurens,” the sound of my last name makes me realize where I am again. Meade continues, “we just want to tell you that-”

“You haven’t reported it to Washington yet, how come?” I hiss, my voice cracks as I feel tears start to roll down my cheeks. My breath sharpens, I feel like a mad man. “Whatever you do, do not fucking report Alexander.” 

“Jack-,” Alexander gets up from his chair. 

Tilghman does also. “Laurens, listen, we…”

“Alexander is innocent!” I get up from my chair in an instant, my throat feels dry from fear. I wiggle myself out of Gilbert’s grip. I point at Alexander, I'll do anything to keep him alive. As for me, I do not know. “It is better for him for him to be alive than dead!”

“John,” Gilbert gets back up and cherubs my back a little. “John-”

I cut him off, I do not give a damn. “He is needed for this revolution! So before you think of sending him to the gallows, think of how this whole revolution will be ruined without him! Think of your goddamn country!”

All of a sudden, Meade rushes toward me and he clutches my cravat. I want to whimper, embrace someone, but I am a man, father told me it is not good to look weak to others. Alexander ran away, this is your chance, my dear. 

“John, hey, hey,” Meade whispers, his tone is now calm. He takes a deep breath. ‘We are not going to hurt him. We will not hurt you. Your secret's safe with us. Everything is going to be fine.”

“How can I believe you?” I snarl, my heart beats on and on. I can trust no one. My secret is out, it will ruin me, it has already. I am the living proof of a walking, breathing, living sin, why do they want me to still be alive? 

My mind starts to get fuzzy, I cannot think anymore and soon I feel like I’m falling, crashing to the floor. Next thing I realize that I am on my knees and Meade lets go of my cravat, I start to realize that I fainted a little. Alexander yelps and rushes to my side. He sits down and reaches for my hand. I sink my head into his chest, I do not care anymore, my head throbs from a headache. 

“Jack,” Alexander hums. His gaze is somewhat comforting and I start to feel silly. If they have not reported yet, the aides act like Alexander has not changed, he is still the same. They do not think Alexander is awful because he loves me. He continues, “nothing will happen to us, everyone will not tell a soul. Do you understand?”

I let out a small sob again, I tried to keep it quiet. I should not cry, I look deranged! I look like a madman! Alexander wraps his arms around me and I can feel his lips on my temple, they are soft against my skin. I take a breath, my secret is safe, it starts to hit me and I start to regain all sense in everything. I try to blink out my tears, I can still love my dear boy.

Gilbert crouches down and he smiles softly. “John, don’t be ashamed that you are crying, it’s normal to cry,” he says as if he is reading my mind. I manage to get out of Alexander’s grip a little bit since my headache starts to get better. He adds, “How about we can have dinner in my office, so we can talk things out. If that is fine with you, mon ami?”

Tears start to flow less and less now, but I still look like a fool. But then again, Gilbert’s words telling me it is normal to cry. It is human to cry. I rub my hands on my cheeks to get rid of the tears that I have shed and then I rub my temples to try and stop the headache altogether. 

I take my gaze upon my fellow aide and now they do not seem like threats, but something that is very dear to my heart. I am far less emotional from now and I wish to get back on my feet. My voice cracks, “Can someone help me up?” 

Tilghman takes a few steps toward me and lends out his hand, he has a reassuring smile on his face. I smile back and I latch my hand onto him and I push myself up from, getting on my feet. And yet, I do not let go of his hand. I see Tench as something new. I see the aides as something new. They are not odd anymore, they only wish for my safety. They wish for me to be happy.

Now, I realize that we all have a brotherly connection. These fellow men do not shun me for weeping or the love I have for the male sex. All these thoughts remind me of my last surviving brother, Harry, who is back in England. I have not seen him in so long… it has been a year. I have lost many brothers, but I realize at this moment I have gained them: Tench, Richard. Fitz, and Robert. 

I have been so blind, to only see Gilbert as a younger brother, but now I can see that I have more than one. 

Now, I have a strong urge for comfort from everyone, it’s quite silly really. I quickly wrap my arms around Tench to embrace him and he seems surprised by my sudden wish for affection. The only people I ask for the dearest comfort are Alexander and Gilbert, but now I understand that I have brothers here and they wish for me to be happy and safe.

Then, Tench relaxes and I can feel his hands on my back and I sniffle. All of a sudden, I feel others joining in the hug, with my dear boy at my side and he kisses my cheek ever so lovingly. We are family and I will be safe, Alexander will be safe. Robert pats my back like a fatherly figure, Fitz tussles with my golden hair, Richard tightens his grip of the embrace, and Tench does a little chuckle. I take a deep breath as a small tear of glee. 

I will keep loving Alexander.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading !


End file.
